In the Year of
Our Lord

Are we "waiting on the world to change"? I think so.

Have you ever listened to the song made by John Mayer in 2006? No, it's not a Christian song but for years it was and really still is a song that brings tears to my eyes. But now when I hear it, I cry for a different reason.

When the song came out, I would've been entering high school. My life wasn't the worst story you ever heard, but for me it seemed hopeless. My father spent most of my childhood in federal prison. My mother was in an abusive second marriage. And the only thing I wanted to do was escape from the world that these adults had created for me. One day things would be different because they would be gone and I would be in charge. My generation wouldn't stand for all this selfishness that leads to all this evil in the world — for all this evil around me.

And so, I drifted. Smart but aimless.

A few years back I remember a friend sharing with me that back then she didn't believe she'd lived past thirty. It was then that I realized I had lived with the same subconscious programming. I was just waiting for the end. And now in my mid-thirties, I find myself reframing Mayer's song in a new light.

Back then, I was Christian. My father a pastor. My mother a Christian missions major. I knew doctrines and theologies. I'd memorized my catechism. But knowledge isn't a life with Christ. It's cultural accoutrements.

While in college I found myself taking the max classes and about to graduate early, and in a habit of self-sabotage, I switched schools. I moved to a private Christian university where I quickly became the bottom of my class. But at that school, I found the opportunity to study abroad in South Korea. And naturally, as the acculturated Christian girl, I found a church. At that church, I found Christians from different denominations choosing to do life together in a Baptist church because that was what was available. I began to explore the local Korean churches, too; attending big churches, small churches, and everything in between.

And what I realized was that my world was small, my thinking was small.

I'd been deciding for years whether or not to just stop claiming Christianity since I was doing all the standard sins of my generation. But now, I decided to choose what has now been termed 'deconstruction'. What was Christianity? who was God? what were just cultural practices of the American church?

So, I found myself back in the states in seminary realizing I knew absolutely nothing but cultural practices and repetitive sermon points.